Desolate

She shivered slightly as the cold breeze ruffled through her hair. She pulled her jumper closer and walked ahead. She had gotten used to the pain. She had tried desperately to find a way around. And had failed miserably. But the trifle hope she had clung on to had been fed by a message. Did that mean she should hold on? Why was she unsure? He had meant everything to her. But all of a sudden he was gone. Far. Where did it all start? Where had the end begun?

It was in their cafeteria that she first saw him. He had dark brown eyes. Her favorite color. He was talking animatedly about something, soccer she doubted. Wow, she would’ve loved to join his discussion. She was wondering what she would say if she were to join him in his discussion, when her friend shook her awake to the present. She tore her eyes from him and turned to her friend to reply to a question she hadn’t heard. They walked to their usual place at the far right corner and settled onto their seats. She did not look at him again. Later when they got back to their class, she even forgot to think about him.

Things had remained passably prosaic until one day, when her cousin Bess dropped by her place to invite her for a girls day out. “Wow! Your wardrobe needs some serious revamping Brigette!” Bess crinkled her nose at her modest closet as if she had just sniffed a pile of teeming dumpster. “I didn’t know u collect antique, Brig”. She looked up curiously to see Bess holding a pair of her faded jean. She held it as far away from her as possible. Slightly nettled, she called out “Gimme a break Bess. If you promise not to crack about my wardrobe again, I’ll let you shop for me today”. “Really? Thank youuuuuuuuuu!!!” Bess squealed in joy. Brigette wondered what on earth was so alluring about shopping. May be she missed a couple of really important genes that defined girls like Bess.

After a short chat with her mom and a steaming mug of chocolate, Brigette and Bess left to shop. Around the corner, Brig’s best friend Rebecca, who she always called Becky, joined them. Instantaneously Bess and Becky hit it off. She drove in silence listening to the two girls bicker on and on. Finally they reached the new mall that had opened in great grandeur following the break of that spring. Much to Bess’s demurral, Brig had agreed to go to that mall. If it had not been for the awesome book store in the mall, she would’ve given away anything to finish her shopping at the smaller and lot-less-lustrous mall down the lane. She let the girls drape themselves with the seemingly never ending set of dazzling gowns and skirts and what not. She slipped out to the book store.

A strong aroma of papers hit her squarely on her face and she felt instantaneously exhilarated. She moved slowly from row to row inspecting the books. She found what she had been looking for. There was one whole section of her favorite author. She eagerly etched forward looking for the newest best seller. She picked a copy, got it billed and settled onto a read table comfortably. She had finished almost two chapters when she heard a chair scrape nearby. She however didn’t pay much attention to it.

After about a couple of minutes she heard a distant voice, “Hey there! Brigette isn’t it?” She heard her name and realized that someone was talking to her. She looked up from the book and her heart gave a jolt. It was HIM! She looked into his eyes and forgot to respond. He coughed awkwardly snapping her attention back. She quickly composed herself and forced a smile and replied, “Yeah, I am. I’m sorry. I got pretty lost into the book”. He smiled back and told “Oh that is alright. I am Brian. Green Valley high”. “Guess I’ve seen you around a couple of times” she told. He beamed at her. She recognized me. Pointing to the book in her hand, he told, “Awesome plot. I think I was one of the firsts to pick up that book. I’ve already read it half a dozen times”. She was going to reply something when, “There she is!” she heard the triumphant voice of Bess. Both of them turned around to find a very tired but happy pair of typical teenagers. She waved at them. Becky looked down at her dubiously. Before any conclusions could be drawn, Brigette hurriedly introduced them to Brian. After polite ‘hellos’ and ‘catch you later’s they left the mall.

Back on the way, Bess began explaining how very lucky she had been to get the last piece of her new pencil skirt when Becky interrupted, “So are you going to tell us about him or not?” Brigette had a tough time making them believe that it was only a minute-long acquaintance she had had with him. She however did not voice out her thoughts that were secretly cursing the girls to have intruded in. She instantly felt guilty. That night she dreamt discussing baseball with him. Her dreams had never really made sense. But she was surprised about how clearly she remembered his face; even the tiny scar below his left eyebrow.

Days rolled by. She started seeing a lot of him at school. The more they spoke, the more she liked him. There was nothing that they disagreed upon with each other. He was ofttimes amazed finding her at ease discussing cars and soccer and gadgets and stuff that any other girl would’ve turned down their nose upon. She could see that he was strongly lured by her.

He was always there for her. She felt very secure with him around. So it didn’t come as a big surprise when they both had fallen head over heels in love. Falling in love had been as natural as a little birdie soaring high into the sky for the first time and yet making it without crashing down.

Every weekend they would walk to the bridge over the little stream, holding hands, not talking. They would watch the sunset in silence. Then they would go to the towering three storey public library at the secluded lane close to the woods, and spend the rest of the evening discussing the latest best seller or their favorite authors occasionally arguing but mostly enjoying each other’s company. Then they would retire for the day. But that week, he had seemed extremely perturbed. She couldn’t decide if she should ask him what was bothering him or not. She decided she rather wouldn’t. That is when Brian spoke up.

“Hey Brig.. there is something that I wanna tell you. I didn’t know when I should tell you. I’ve been battling with myself.” She was getting impatient, rather, anxious. “I used to have a best friend, Matt”. Phew, she thought. Is that all? But she could see some pain in his eyes that he had clearly concealed all these days. She wondered what could’ve gone wrong. “Three years before you moved in, the winter was very bitter and it snowed very hard. It was the hardest we had ever seen. It was everywhere on the news. People preferred to stay warm and safe in their homes. I however insisted that we go skiing. Matt was reluctant in the beginning. But with my coaxing, he gave in and we agreed to go the following day. We reached the top of the hill right in the centre of the woods. We didn’t know they had temporarily stopped skiing that season. The whole place was deserted.

We put on our boots. I suggested that both of us go down together. But Matt said he wanted to go first. I let him go and watched him as he skiied down. He was gaining speed and I was feeling all exhilarated. But neither of us noticed that someone had left an almost invisible string that ran between two trees on the path. He skied right through it. It was terrible. The string had gone through the exact middle of him. And I saw it as he came apart. Just like that. There was nothing much I could do. But it was the most horrifying and grotesque thing I’d seen all my life. It needn’t have happened to Matt. It could’ve been me, if it were not for him”, and he broke down. Now she knew what had caused the pain. She yearned to say something to ease his pain. But he continued. “I’ve not been able to get rid of the guilt, the pain. If it were not for my suggestion to go skiing, he would’ve had to go through what he did. I’ve had this with me ever since” he told and pulled out a small carefully preserved newspaper clipping and thrust it at her. “UNFORTUNATE TEENAGER DIES IN SKIING ACCIDENT”, blared out the headlines. There was a small unclear picture of 2 happy young guys with a long description of the mishap. She didn’t know if she could find the right words at all. She wanted him to know that she didn’t think that he was at fault at all. She just held his hands and sat silently, watching him cry, helplessly.

After about ten whole painful minutes, he stopped and looked up, “Matt forgave me. He never left me after that. Hey brig, would you like to meet him?” She looked at him puzzled. Of course! A picture of Matt! It was already ten past eight. She should be home in another half hour if she didn’t want to freak her parents out. It would take about fifteen minutes for them to reach Brian’s home from the already deserted library. Then maybe she could spend about ten minutes with him there and later ask him to drive her home. So it wouldn’t take over forty minutes max, she roughly calculated. She could handle that. “Sure Brian. I would love to” and he responded with a bright smile. It was as if the past half hour had not been.

He dragged her onto her feet and started hurrying out of the library. They walked in silence, until Brian took the wrong turn to his house. “Erm.. Brian, shouldn we be going left?” but he didn’t seem to hear. He kept hurrying and she was finding it difficult to keep up. After a couple of minutes, she was almost running. He was going into the woods and she was starting to feel nervous. Few more minutes passed by. That is when she saw it. There was a long-deserted, huge wooden country house, standing weakly. “Matt’s house.. his parents left the town soon after the accident. They couldn’t stand the grief.” Brian told. “Oh” she said weakly trying to look at his face in the dark. “come on.. lets go in..”. “Brian I don’t think we should be here. Besides, its pretty late” she told trying desperately to stop him. “Dun chicken out Brig. Come on.” He told and pulled her along.

She reluctantly pulled herself forward. May be there is a portrait of him that he would like me to see, she thought. They walked onto the porch and reached the front door. The boards were creaking noisily. Brian opened the front door confidently. May be he went there often. She looked at her watch in the dark. She could see that it was not very late. Not yet. She expected to see a very dirty webbed living room but was shocked to see it as good as a place where Matt had once lived. Just as she had expected, there was a life-size portrait of Matt facing the front door, hung on the wall exactly in the middle of it. The portrait was very life-like. Matt was very handsome, even with a few noticeable freckles on is nose. His hair carelessly fell over his left eye. She felt really bad both for Brian and Matt. She looked around to find Brian looking up at the portrait too. She waited for him to talk. After few silent minutes Brian spoke, “Well.. see? That is Matt.” He beamed proudly. She half expected him to break down again. But no. That is not what happened. “Hey Matt.. Howdy mate? Sorry I couldn’t come last week. So meet my girlfriend Brigette. I promised I’d bring her here. Didn’t I? There you go. Do you like her?” he was talking to the portrait. She was not sure what she should do or tell. She stood there staring at Brian. He smiled back at her as if encouraging her to talk to him.

“It’s late Brian. We should get going”, she told. But now Brian was frowning at her. Well! What? Very uncertain, she said out aloud, “Hi Matt”, she didn’t know if she should say, “Glad to know you” or “I’m sorry you are dead” or anything for that matter. So she kept quiet. She looked at a very unhappy Brian again, mustered all her courage and pleaded, “Let’s go Brian, please”…

Brian had been very indifferent of late. He had cut down on their phone calls, which by itself, was not very often. She tried talking to him. He would respond. But there was no life in what he replied. She didn’t know whom to turn to. Becky suggested that he was going through some phase and that he needed some time to get alright. But she knew something was going terribly wrong. She couldn’t think of anything that could’ve gone awry, except that night they had returned from Matt’s house, when she had been too perplexed to talk to him.

After a very perturbed week, Brian called her up telling he wanted to meet her. She was not very happy, as she should’ve been. She met up with him near the library that evening. “You don’t believe in what I told about Matt, do u?” he asked her. “What! No. Of course I do. I mean, why wouldn’t in believe that?” she was totally confused now. “No. It’s not that. U don’t believe that he exists. Do u?” “Huh?” may be she had heard him wrong. “Matt is still not gone. He still lives there. At his home. Waits for me till every weekend when I go meet him. When I told him, about you, he wanted to meet you too. And that is why I took you to his place.” Her head was spinning now. She desperately tried convincing herself that he was probably playing a prank on her and would laugh his heads off at her face. But no. that was so unlike Brian. He had never played a prank on her before. “Matt is very upset. He could see it right away that you didn’t believe in his existence, that you considered it a big-time joke when I took you to his place and spoke to him. I’ve known him all my life. I can seemingly sense his disapproval for you”

She was nonplused. She closed her eyes trying to comprehend what Brian was telling. May she should talk him out of this. May be she would. “Brian, please. Matt is dead. And I am really sorry about it. But he is not here anymore. There is no one in that house. I really..” “SHUT UP!” Brian had never screamed at her. “It’s over. I don’t wanna see you anymore. Matt is my best friend. I owe him more than my life for what I’ve done to him. I don’t want someone who wouldn’t even remotely try and believe in his existence. It’s over. I called you over to inform you of this. I cant pretend anymore that I am in love with you. Goodbye.” And he had simply walked out of the library. Out of her life.

She wondered if she’d ever be the same. She didn’t want to cry. She couldn’t move on. She didn’t want to be branded as the ‘Broken-Hearted’. But how good would she be in concealing her grief? She endured the pain every time she saw him, every time she heard someone call out her name and turn around to realize that it was not him. She had given up on books; they reminded her of all the times they had spent at the library laughing over something very silly, or discussing something very seriously. She had tried calling him a few times. All that she had managed to hear from him were, “Get a life”, “All my love for you has vanished. You are no one to me”, “LEAVE ME ALONE”. But still she hoped someday he would come to his senses and plead her for apology, which she would gladly give. After all, she had loved him with all her heart. She would be ready to understand him, accept him with his faults.

That morning she had woken up very early and couldn’t get back to sleep. She had laid on the bed watching her ceiling. Her mobile had beeped with a new message. After Brian, she had seldom received messages. She sat up and picked her phone curiously to see who had messaged. The sender’s number was unknown. She opened the message that read, “Thngs r gonna b fyn. Wanna meet ya at d bridge ovr d stream. nw” her heart gave huge leap. It was Brian! She knew it from the language he had used in his message. But she was not sure if she should be happy. She didn’t want to carry hopes to let them crash again. May be Brian wanted a proper break up with her. She told herself she would accept anything that happens. After all, things couldn’t get any worse. She immediately left to their favorite spot.

She stifled a sneeze and looked up. She was just a few strides away. The fog was immense. She put her hands into her pockets and walked ahead. She could see the silhouette of a hooded figure standing over the bridge, looking down into the stream. She walked closer and saw him look up. She saw a very handsome face that had a few noticeable freckles on the nose. Another breeze blew the hair that had carelessly fallen over his left eye. She froze where she was. He smiled at her.