Things to do when you have a Heartburn in the dead of the night

This piece of writing will predominantly be helpful if you satisfy one or more of the following criteria:

1.       You are a girl.

2.       You are a pregnant girl.

3.       You are a pregnant girl in her last trimester.

4.       You are a pregnant girl in her last trimester with indigestion and acidity issues.

5.     You are a pregnant girl in her last trimester with indigestion and acidity issues who wants to make most of the pregnancy woes.

With the prerequisites in place for this think piece to be of any notable use to you, let us ponder on this disquieting malady and the ways of dealing with it. 

Pregnancy, ah! The miracle of genesis, life, birth, nausea, backaches, sleep deprivation, abdominal swelling of unnerving proportions, eternal hunger and nonstop pregnancy harangues from every mummy, aunty and granny you bump into.. 

Now then, when the design and specifications of human reproduction and conception were being schemed carefully, God deeply reflected upon the values of life, space-time continuum, the volume of cosmic dust, the fundamental role of a mosquito in the expanding universe and various other eminent affairs of prodigious order (because He is the God, duh!) and then thought to himself, “Embodiment of indigestion and heartburn into the data package must make for a holistic concoction of all the pains in the rear end. And, mwahahahaha”. From then on, these two afflictions have been prime co-conspirators in disrupting the already-scanty sleep of a pregnant girl in her last trimester. 

An online search for relief from heartburn offers numerous futile remedies that are known to be effective to degrees ‘diddly-squat’. Hence, I am going to list down the more pragmatic things to do when the demon strikes.

1.   Wake up with a start as soon as you feel that corrosive liquid itching its way up your oesophagus. Look at the time and cringe. 

2.       Suppress the nasty wet burps. On second thought, let it out rather noisily.

3.       Look around to see if your husband has woken up to your noise. 

4.       Fake a hiccup. Fake a noisy hiccup. 

5.      If (husband==asleep), repeat actions 2 and 4. 

6.    If step 5 is ineffective, open the water bottle and drink a couple of indecently loud gulps of water. You could accidentally hit the bottle on your bed stead on purpose when you put it back in its place.

7.   If there is still that obstinate snore rumbling, it is time to give up on your innocuous attempts at waking up your husband. 

8.      Very loudly, get off the bed and walk out of your bedroom. 

9.      Sit on your couch and sulk a bit. 

10.   By now, it is already time for the acid to make its second ascend up your throat. 

11.  Rush to the kitchen and gulp down some cold milk. It helps – for about 2 mins. 

12. Noisily straggle through the contents of your refrigerator till you reach a pack of biscuits. Even if you know the exact location of the pack, move around and shuffle the stuff inside the fridge a bit. If you have not woken up your mom yet, the next morning she will notice the holy mess on account of your mid-night snack-attack and fuss over you and pamper you a little more acknowledging your lack of sleep. 

13.   Unhappily, groggily munch on a couple of those biscuits and go back to the couch. 

14.   Suddenly think of a wise-ass quirky status for your Whatsapp and update it.

15.   Ponder over if the status is good enough for the bigger social networks. 

16.   Reluctantly decide to browse through Reddit. End up looking for the r/Funny subreddit and fortuitously spending over half hour dry-retch laughing at the ever-so-funny images. 

17.   Get the shock of a lifetime and have your heart skip a beat when you hear your parents’ bedroom open. 

18.   Throw dismayed looks at your mom who walks in on you laughing at your monitor, sitting all alone in the dark, in the dead of the night.

19.  Listen to her rants about how you are going to go unquestionably, unconditionally, positively blind if you keep doing what you were doing in step 16. Half dazedly squint as your mom turns on the light. 

20.   Simper a bit. 

21.   Sheepishly inform her you were unable to sleep, thanks to your acidity and heartburn. You could also think of replacing your abashed looks with those of a puppy dog – whichever works best with your mom.  

22.   Listen to her nocturnal diatribe as to why you should rather be sitting on the floor, in your pooja room, meditating and praying for better health for you and your baby and how it will inadvertently relax you enough to get you sleepy again. 

23.  Wait for your mom to take a pause and most respectfully, fake-yawn. Announce you are finally sleepy.

24.  Hug your mom (you will need to. You cannot afford to walk out on her now and not expect to wake up to grim consequences the next morning.)

25.   Take another gulp of cold milk and head straight to your bedroom with an apologetic look.

26.   Be greeted by your husband’s loud snores.

27.   Sulk more on your bed till your heartburn subsides.

28.   Get back to sleep.

Following this religiously might help alleviate the distress your sleeplessness shall cause. 

But be warned. Your mom walking in on you doing the same thing unceasingly every other night, despite her relentless insistence on the need for your spiritual inclination might not go down merrily. You might have to think of varying your routine a bit so as to not get caught doing the same step every night. If for instance, your mom walks in on you noisily shuffling through the fridge, she might offer to make you a nice bread toast. You will have at least 3 months of this misery to put up with – enough time to figure out more fun stuff to do. Afterall, Reddit is not the only heartburn-haven. 

Enjoy every phase of the pregnancy – people say. If only they could also offer a  canny and reasonable piece of advice of how exactly one could do it! But, it definitely is fun feeling the squirms and wriggles inside your tummy knowing that there is a little you, waiting to impound on anything that could remotely be termed your life, your privacy and your routine for an eternity. 
Can't wait to hold you in my arms and adore your little yawns and hiccups. Love you, my baby!